happy

two and a half years ago, i had my baby shower. a month later my child was born still.
since then i try to avoid going to these ceremonies. baby showers, visiting new-born and the new mothers in the hospital, naming ceremonies, first birthday’s – they are quite a bit of torture for me.
then i got another invitation which i couldn’t refuse. my cousin sisters baby shower. after i disconnect the phone – always – the memories come back flooding and spill through my eyes, chokes me up. but to this event, i had to go.
we – my cousin sister and i – were close as kids. things changed as we grew up but we used to have a great time together as kids whenever i used to visit them. i couldn’t not go to this important event in her life.
so i went.
a swing – decorated by flowers, the would be mother dressed in green and wearing all the flower jewelry and posing for photographs, my aunt fixing up the things for the ceremony. oh the memories.
for a minute tears threatened to come again. i swallowed, blinked and made them go away. i couldn’t make myself to go and talk to her.
my son should have been two and half years old. i should have come to this ceremony with him. i just couldn’t get past of ‘what should have been’.
and then the ceremony started. when i went up in front of her, looked at her and she smiled – and i smiled back.
i lost all grief at that moment and i forgot myself and my ever-present suffering. i had no thought in my mind but happiness for my sister. for that moment i conquered my emotions.. i didn’t think of my loss again that evening. i participated, laughed, enjoyed. and i don’t feel guilty. my son is a happy memory to me. the time i spent with him, feeling him, his kicks, our talks. i miss him. i remember him every day of my life. but never again i will let my grief shadow me so much that i cant show my happiness for the people who love me.
THAT is my new years resolution. i hope i can fulfill it.